Apologia

As we are all aware, America's popularity on the global scene has experienced a perceived setback over the last six to eight years. Many European populations, while their governments continue to support us, flat out don't like us anymore. And why should they? We are clearly responsible for making the Fundi-Muslims mad and therefore causing global terrorism. Our hugungus economy that drives the financial machinations of the entire planet is making every nation on Earth poor. And, if that's not enough, our warmongering military has been the most dominant force, fighting the same wars as the European nations are partially committed to doing very little that they don't tell their people about.

One of President Obama's campaign promises was, and I'm paraphrasing here, was to make the world like us again and turn those frowns upside down—a noble goal, to be sure. It shouldn't be that tough; everyone used to like us before. The French thought we were great when we bled the beaches red to save them from the enemy they sort of tried to fight themselves--kinda. Most of the rest of Europe thought it was really cool that we brought them things like, oh, I don't know, industrialization, human flight, and satellites. Africa seemed to like the big gunny sacks of rice we gave them for free along with some medicine here and there. So how do we get this party started again?

We're sorry.

That's it. Our President, the most powerful person in the free world and leader of the most successful cultural experiment since Adam thought Eve had a nice rack, is gallivanting around the globe, telling throngs of haters that we regret all that was done under Bush, and that, “No, really, we all think like you.” The people who support the President's campaign for America's self image actually think that we should grovel to the world, hat in hand, and beg forgiveness. The perception is that it's working. Well, of course it is. Sure they're going to forgive us, celebrate President Obama, and welcome us back to the fold with open arms. That's how subjugation works. This is how you become everyone's bitch.

While this apologetic love fest seems to be placating the masses, I have another thought that might actually serve us well BEYOND the next year or so. It's actually quite simple, and relies on a very basic concept: bugger 'em.

We The People of the United States have no compunction to say we're sorry for anything. We answer to no higher power than the United States Constitution and the Lord our God! We did the same thing every other nation does every single day: We did what we thought was good for our country and its future at the time. You can argue whether what was done was good or bad all day, but it doesn't change the fact that we don't need permission from anyone to do what we think needs to be done. And as the greatest civilization that has ever existed we shouldn't give a pair of dingo's kidneys what anyone has to say about it.

Where does a 600lb gorilla sit? Anywhere it wants to. We need to remind ourselves that we are the 600lb gorilla. If some other nation wants to know why we invaded this, or supported the overthrow of that, our response should be simple: “We wanted to.”

What follows is Little Ray's comprehensive response to the people of other nations that have decided to dislike the USA.

To the people of:

Britain: You are a tiny little island nation with one huge city of foreigners and four trees. Our farmers totally owned your fancy army and kicked you in the nuts, so now you are small when once you were great. You criticize Americans for being fat. Are you kidding? Our obesity problem is so well known only because we are honest about it. There are 14 attractive people born in England each year, and they leave as soon as they can. Sod off.

Netherlands: You don't like us. Wait...how did you even get into this with an opinion? You couldn't even carve out enough land in Europe to grow 8 potatoes and had to pump water out of the ocean and live there—epic fail...now sod off. (nice shoes...fags.)

Belgium: You whine and moan about America's staggeringly awesome armies marching over the globe with impunity. Yeah...about that; how's that Congo treating you? You guys did a great job there. You took it over, left, and now it's only safe to visit if you have an RPG in your handbag. Eat a waffle and sod off.

Germany: I'm going to make this really simple: YOU SHOULD BE THRILLED THAT YOU EVEN EXIST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! You people are serial warmongers. I can't believe that you can criticize us with a straight face. I invite you to go outside and play hide-and-go-roger yourself.

France: You prattle on about how Americans are xenophobes for not giving every Mexican that ever wielded at leaf blower a free pass to livinla vida loca. At the same time, your once culture rich nation is quickly morphing into Memleka Al Farancia Al Islamia. Here's a tip: It's not a phobia, it's an opinion. At least some people in American understand that diversity equals disunity. Parle vous sod off.

Canada (a.k.a. Kanukistan): Your health care system honks the bo bo. You know it, we know it, and believe me, every pregnant woman in Canada waiting six months for an ultrasound knows it. So, do one of two things: Stop criticizing our health care while at the same time making use of it, or sod off. Actually, just sod off.

Russia: Are you even serious? Your nation is single handedly responsible for three quarters of what is wrong with most of the world and several recently discovered planets. You're like the fuck-up fairy; everything you touch turns to communism and dies. You've distributed more death and misery over a wider swath of terra firma than Ghangis Khan could have if he'd lived to be 400 with the same attitude. Oh, yeah, and making a buddy out of that bat-shit crazy freek job in Venezuela; brilliant. Sod off, comrades.

Africa (I know, you're not a country, but everything south of the Sahara is pretty much the same): All we do is try to help you and all you ever do is poop in our hand. Every man-child over the age of 4 has killed at least three people with a machete. No! Bad! Plant some corn or something for crying out loud. I don't even need to say it.

China: What kind of asshole won't even let their kids play on the Internet? You have like, ONE human right: Everyone has the right to be told what to do. No, we don't want to adopt any more baby girls. I feel I need to point something out to you that you may have missed: Stop making more of you! China is full!

Instead of running around saying we're sorry, we should be reminding the world we will do what we want, when we want, and if you stand in our way we will squash you all flat. This nation is truly great, but we've got to tell that to ourselves, because if we don't, the rest of the world will own us. The word “Apology” comes from the Latin word, “Apologia” which originally meant, “a defense especially of one's opinions, position, or actions.” I guess, in that sense, I'd like to say we're sorry.

©Raymond Smith- 2009